Duck season is like flu season except the flu hunts you

As another September draws to a close, the perennially uninformed, misinformed, well intentioned and  probably insane in the head brain appear, shaking themselves free of the logic that dictates their lives otherwise, as maples shedding leaves. "The flu shot will give me the flu!" "I never get the flu!" "The flu will give me autism!" they cry, their strident voices echoing inside empty heads. When I hear their call, I prepare. It's flu season. TIME TO HUNT (the arguments).

1. You'll get influenza from the influenza vaccine.
To me, this argument sounds like this: Steak and milk are dangerous because when combined in your body you will get a cow in your stomach. Influenza vaccine is not made with living virus, only bits and pieces of it. It will not give you the real deal. Some people get flu-like symptoms, which is usually protracted and less severe than the real flu. Both consist of muscle aches and feeling unwell, but it's pretty much only gen-u-ine rootin' tootin' hemagglutinin' influenza that kills people (see below).

2. I never got the flu before.
Oh, really? Do you wear your seatbelt? Did you ever buy home insurance? Do you throw away your lifejacket on your plane to get more space for your carry on? We wear seatbelts, buy home insurance, and sometimes check for our lifejackets because we want to prevent something catastrophic. Ever try to put your seatbelt on after you've crashed? Doesn't make a lot of sense. Although with the airlines the way they are nowadays, you might be tempted to sneak some more room with the lifejacket one seat over. Get your flu shot because you don't know you won't get the flu this year.

3. I will get autism from vaccines.
This all started with a Dr. Wakefield who wrote a paper to The Lancet that made vague but terrifying connections between the measles, mumps, rubella vaccine and autism, as well as inflammatory bowel disease. After his paper was published, the rate of vaccination fell in many countries resulting in skyrocketing rates of measles mumps and rubella, which seriously injured and in some cases killed young children. Several celebrities with autistic children caught on to the paper and began promoting the link as publicly as possible, resulting in an extremely passionate and emotional anti-vaccination lobby. Several studies were done to try to replicate Dr. Wakefield's findings, none of which were successful.

Later on it was discovered that his results were faked, that he had paid children at a birthday party to be part of his study, and that ten of the thirteen colleagues who had wrote their names on his paper had requested their names be removed.

Then it was found that he had abused mentally delayed children.

Then he wasn't allowed to be a doctor anymore.

Then The Lancet retracted his article.

But none of this matters, because that was the MMR vaccine.


(Note: Yes there are downsides to the vaccine. There are downsides to everything. You get up in the morning you could get hit by a bus. Downside. You take some organic antioxidant all natural supplement and choke on the pill and die. Downside. You may have an allergic reaction to the vaccine. This is treatable, and most often is avoidable and does not result in death. You may also get a rare reaction called Guillain-Barre syndrome where you become paralyzed. This is one doctors WILL own up to. But it's extremely rare. I bet you dollars to donuts there are more people reading this who know someone who died from the flu but not from GBS.)