Don't want to be a hollow man unless it's Kevin Bacon

When med school began, I was seriously determined to refrain from becoming jaded and cynical during medical school. I'd always heard about everyone starting out on the first day full of vim, vigor, piss and vinegar. I'd heard about everyone leaving on the last day full of piss, amphetamines and Antabuse. I was not going to be one of those people.

However, as sure as Britney will one day end up on Celebrity Mole's list of call-ups in case the show violates the terms of Gary Busey's parole, clerk attitudes will change. Throughout my rotations I watched myself become less and less sympathetic to each patient and more and more irritable. I changed into exactly what I thought I wasn't going to be.

I've walked right by a patient yelling "Someone please help me!" without batting an eyelash. When my favourite cancer patient on gyne oncology found out she had terminal cancer, I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel anything when she died a few days later either. I've yelled at grandmas, made fun of grandmas, and made grandmas cry, all before lunchtime, which is when I get started on the grandpas. Then, depending on how I feel, I might go yell at babies.

I wonder if I'll ever get my soul back. Is it gone for good? Will I ever have empathy for a fellow human again? Am I dead on the inside?

Then my sister get seriously ill. She went to the ER and got admitted to medicine and lots of big gun drugs. It was pretty scary but I didn't feel anything. That's when I knew I was definitely one soulless bastard.

Later that night I called my girlfriend to tell her what was happening and I started crying. I hadn't cried in forever. I didn't even feel like crying but something broke inside when I had to talk about what was going on. I couldn't control it.

My sister got better, and I knew she would. I don't even know what I was emotional about. Maybe I'm just not aware of what I'm feeling, or maybe I just suppress it to a point where I can't recognize what I'm feeling. Maybe I'm not a soulless bastard. Maybe I'm not dead inside. Maybe I'm just dead outside.

And that's fine with me.