Am I Strong Enough To Be Your Man

It's January and I'm in Nathan Phillips Square waiting for the Weakerthans to come on stage. The city put on a party and there are black iron torches twisting every which way in the square surrounded by huddled people in MEC coats and pom pom toques. I'm surreptitiously inching my way past my fellow concert goers, trying to find a line of sight with the stage. It smells like wood smoke and it's warm from all the bodies.

I somehow feel inadequate these days. Outside of school, I'm always measuring myself up against everyone around me to see if I'm good enough. It's not healthy. In school, it's sometimes the only way to know if you're keeping up with your peers. Here though, when I'm supposed to enjoy myself, I can't turn it off. Would my friends be having more fun with someone else? Do I look cool enough to stand here without doing something with my hands? Am I going to be able to stand firm when people start pushing to get to the front?

Chinese people have this concept of "losing face". Going through school is one of the easiest ways to lose face. Underperform, and your face is GONE. Poof. No more face. Medical school is an even easier path to face loss. Before you even start you're down a nose and an eyebrow. If you're lucky you'll finish with your chin in one piece.

I'm worried about underperforming, disappointing people, myself. Even when I'm supposed to be having a good time I can't stop obsessing about doing better at ridiculous things like being taller to see over the jerk with the furry hat, or being more of a talker so I could entertain people while we're waiting for the show. Medicine made a self critical person critically self critical.

But then the music starts and as soon as the first chord rings in my chest, I remembered why I came. Nobody's secretly evaluating me. Nobody cares. All that matters is that they better play my favourite song. Out here, where the hospital can't touch me, I'm fine with the way things are and things are fine with the way I am.